The strangest feeling is going to collect a loved one's ashes. Today I collected my beautiful cat from the vets, well his ashes anyway, and it felt all wrong, too wrong. A week ago, my wonderful big panther cat was taken from me, hit on the road outside our new house.At 6pm he was rubbing up against my legs, later that evening, his back was broken. Thank god some local pub goers spotted him on the path as they walked home and came to our door. The doorbell rang at 9.15pm, hubby sent me to the door, wimping out of dealing with premature trick or treaters.. when I was confronted by a couple who started with the words 'do you own a black cat.......' I just knew. I screamed at Kev and ran across the road, to find my darling cat lying on the path waiting for me. He looked up at me and cried and I knew I wouldn't have him for much longer.

Kev ran out of the house after me and carried him back inside. I was hysterical, I have never felt such a searing pain for an animal. He was our first baby, he had been with Kev and I for 11 years, surely he couldnt be taken away from us now.. Kev put his hand on my sobbing shoulder.. ''he is going to die, I need to take him to the vet now, I am sorry darling....' I sat with my handsome cat for one more minute, kissing his head and crying in to his neck. He looked at me in pain and yowled. Part of me wishes he had died there in my arms. But I had to watch my husband carry him to the front seat of the car.. and I really did not want to say goodbye, but I did, despite the fact that my last words to Kev were, I am sure they will fix him, please make them fix him.

I howled and howled. Kev called me to say he had gone. He had a broken back, they had to put him down. I dont know how long I cried after that, the world went black. How bloody unfair, he was meant to be with us for sometime yet, why now? My darling Daddy called (Mum was away in Italy) Daddy was so sad too, distraught and worried about me. I didnt sleep that night, Kev came home and cuddled me but I lay awake looking at the darkness thinking of the Pirbright Panther, and how much I missed him already.

So, back to the start of this post - I picked up his ashes today, my incredible cat in an oak box with his name engraved on the top. It sits next to me now, and all I feel is an emptiness.

I havent told many people about Flik's death, I cannot bear to tell, but to those of you who know and who have been so wonderfully supportive, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Flik, I love you so so very much, and you will be forever in our hearts xx

I will update from the new house soon, but what with this and my horse's fractured splint bone, I have had a sad and stressful time recently, despite the joy of the new family home.